Clean Your F*cking House B*tch
Our minds are like houses. When they're new, they're empty. As we live our lives we acquire treasures that eventually turn into shit that creates clutter. Some of this stuff is useful, while some of it is simply junk which just creates obstacles for us. What if we could eliminate the nonsense we don't need, and create more room for useful things? Join us on this podcast where we discuss removing what we don't need, implementing beneficial changes to our minds, bodies and souls, to create a life of abundance and fulfillment.
Clean Your F*cking House B*tch
Ep. 102 - Angry Birds: Why We Snap at Those We Love Most
What makes us snap at the people closest to us? Why does that co-worker's repeated mistake push you over the edge? And how do some people seem completely unbothered by life's frustrations while others erupt at the slightest provocation?
Join Nancy, Kevin, and Lou as they dive deep into the neural pathways of anger and how these emotional channels become carved like water flowing down a hillside—creating default responses we may not even consciously choose. Kevin vulnerably shares his personal turning point: "I was driving to work and I was fucking pissed... I'm like why am I so angry?" This moment of self-awareness became the catalyst for years of intentional work to rewire his emotional responses.
The trio explores the significant difference between feeling anger (a perfectly natural emotion) and being controlled by anger (a choice we make). They tackle the particularly thorny issue of family relationships, questioning when it's appropriate to set boundaries with loved ones whose behaviors repeatedly trigger us. As Lou poignantly notes, "Your responsibility is to take care of yourself and the people around you that depend on you."
Perhaps the most beautiful metaphor emerges near the conclusion—comparing emotional growth to gardening. Rather than forcing change, we might simply need to remove the obstacles preventing our natural development. "I don't try to control how things grow," one gardener explained. "I just get rid of all the things that prevent them from growing."
Ready to start de-weeding your emotional garden? Listen now for practical insights on transforming anger into self-awareness and creating space for genuine growth and connection. Your future self will thank you.
Hello and welcome to Clean your Fucking House Bitch with Nancy, kevin and Lou. In our program we get real about the challenges of life and living. Your mind is the most powerful tool you have to ensure you are on your desired path for success and satisfaction. Yet from the day you are born, you gradually and subconsciously fill it with tons of useless shit that gets in your way. Why is that? How can you clean that mess up? We'll show you how. Get ready to clean your fucking house. Oh, there's so much to it. Welcome everyone back to another awesome episode of clean your fucking house bitch. We have so many ideas flowing between the three of us.
Speaker 2:And let's be real. Wait, wait, wait. We're talking about anger. So let's just keep on rolling with it.
Speaker 1:today, just now, we were talking about anger and how I don't always like to tell them what we were just talking about. I like to kind of say you know what? We've been giving this a lot of thought and we are well prepared. I don't like this sometimes.
Speaker 2:Wing it the people want the truth.
Speaker 1:Okay, let's, let's rerecord, let's start this over again.
Speaker 3:No, no, we're running, we're on it, and actually I don't like this idea at all.
Speaker 1:No, I don't. I and that's's you know. I figured if I'm gonna run with it. I'm not gonna mention that we were just talking last minute, because I kind of I hate to say it that way, but I just feel like we're always so last minute.
Speaker 2:Let's kind of I think we're in the moment, so let's re-qualify that or reframe it, because we are in the moment about what's relevant in in our, our beings right today, and and anger and the way that it surfaces and sometimes-.
Speaker 1:You're making me angry, Nancy.
Speaker 2:I know, Shut the fuck up Lou.
Speaker 1:See now, folks, this is an example of what we want to talk to you about today.
Speaker 3:It was like we planned the whole thing out.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and we fooled them. I bet you I'd really actually be curious. Lou's laughing in the background you know, if any of our listeners I, I actually would be curious if you go. Holy shit, kevin and luke just had a bit of a blow up there.
Speaker 2:I'd like to actually know oh that wasn't a blow up. Come on, oh, us being. That's just talk and reality is. We were talking about how we can be angry more quickly with the people that are closest to us, and why the F is that, and also that maybe we just don't care anymore about certain things where people get angry and we're just like it rolls off us like water on a duck. So what makes that happen? Either one of those things.
Speaker 1:So speaking of family, were we?
Speaker 2:No, no.
Speaker 1:You mentioned family and I'm thinking boom, there it is. There's my cue. Well, you know what? We all have our stories and our backgrounds and our experiences, and for those of you who have listened to many of our episodes and, quite frankly, even a handful, would give it away is a lot of my stories are family based, just with my own life experience in dealing with what I consider although I'm sure each one of us considers our own to be the most dysfunctional family on earth, and it has taken me years and years and years of self-reflection and education and, honestly, therapy, to come to grips with a lot of my family dynamics, to help me manage them, and anger is probably one of the most frequent emotions. That has been a part of that journey.
Speaker 2:Sure, and that's so normal for all of us, and then all of the people around us too.
Speaker 1:Right Like it just comes, comes on, you can snap your fingers and anger can show up why do you think that is, though I mean sometimes and I could be wrong about this, but it almost like. Do you think we are getting angrier as a society, or has it always been this way? But it's just more in everyone's faces because there's cameras everywhere and video everywhere, kind of thing, like it's just uh you hit a nail on the head.
Speaker 2:I think one more importantly we're really discussing about our lives, what impacts our working lives, but when you talk about society too, hell yes, anger is more prevalent because people are fed up. They have less patience, um less tolerance for all the bs that's happening around us, and so do people get angrier faster they do, they do why don't we?
Speaker 1:and maybe it's the case that all three of us have learned about dealing with emotions in general, not just anger, but many different emotions and the art of control and whatnot. But it's interesting that what's the saying insanity is doing something over and over again and expecting a different result. That when we do react to something in an angry way and it never gets us anywhere, that eventually we would say this just doesn't work. I got to take a different approach.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I mean, I think, for for some people, just to point out, I think anger is not the primary reactive emotion. But for some it is right. For me definitely, lou. It sounds like you Nancy. You've experienced it, melissa. On the other hand, I don't think she's very quick to anger, but she could be quick to being like stressed out or anxious or something of that nature. Are you okay with me sharing all of this? So it's not like her primary response, don't make her angry. But then it's like for me she's quick to cry, quick to sadness.
Speaker 3:But then it's like looking at life as a whole, like I think it's not just society, lou, and our exposure to shit and the way the news is always negative type, like we're always seeing these catastrophes occur, it's just what we pay attention to, and then it gets views and it makes money and that's all we fucking see, right? Unless we're looking for something else on top of that in society and we're trying to be a functioning member of society. Like that's not set up for mental, emotional, spiritual health. You have to be very intentional to set your life up that way. Otherwise you go to high school, you go to college, get a degree, you choose a career, you're in that fucking world. You're stuck in that world. You have bills, you're in debt right away, like that's not a situation that's going to help you blossom into this self-accepting, um, externally loving, peaceful person my opinion. So I think for the three of us, we had to deal with shit to get to the point to where we are now. We had to study, we had to learn through trial and error, we had to make bad decisions and mistakes and come out better, and we never stopped.
Speaker 3:But a lot of people give up and they stay in their comfort zone and they're like well, the alternative is that I get out of my comfort zone and that's unknown. At least, being here, although I may be miserable, I can expect the result on the daily basis. You said being out of that comfort zone. Now it's like holy shit. I already like I feel like shit.
Speaker 3:Still right, because you're not just going to step out of your comfort zone and feel awesome like all these achievements. It's going to be weird and so you have to stick with it. And for me, the turning point was like I hated being an angry person, I hated being reactive, like I had to learn a lot about myself and why it was that way, and I think the biggest piece of acceptance was knowing that I was in control and not being able to be a victim and blame things externally, like it was on me, it doesn't matter what's going on out there, like I had to make that decision to be more accepting and live with equanimity and all that shit. You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:Was there a specific story or moment or day or anything that?
Speaker 3:actually you can well I love your stories.
Speaker 1:I will say um, because they are fascinating. It it, uh. And what you just shared about realizing you did not want to be someone who was quick to anger you, that does kind of beg the question was there a specific incident that happened?
Speaker 3:Yeah, there was like a specific moment in time that comes to mind and, to preface, it had been years that I was like a very angry individual and I just thought it was genetics. You know, like we mentioned family, mentioned family like, oh, my family is dysfunctional, there's angry people in my family. I almost got to a point where I thought anger was my savior, no matter what happened. I can get good and fucking angry and no one could fuck with me type of shit, right. And I remember, after I was already looking for solutions, I had started meditating and on some particular, like some random morning, I was driving to work and I was fucking pissed and I'm like why am I so angry? Right, start analyzing it, trying to figure it out. There was no reason.
Speaker 3:I was like, well, I'm learning that I can be in control of my thoughts and subsequently my emotions, but I'm here fucking pissed. So I was like thinking about what was I thinking about all morning? And I identified it. I'm like none of that serves me. I won't share what I was thinking about, but it was enough to piss me off. And that's the moment that sticks out to me, that I made a choice and I was like I'm going to put the work in, I'm going to figure it out Like I'm not going to be like this forever. Then it was just years of putting in the work, learning things that didn't work for me, finding things that did, and then that was always an evolution. Too right, the same thing is not going to work forever, potentially. So then you have to evolve, yeah.
Speaker 2:At some point you feel stuck and you were stuck in anger and then asking what the heck for?
Speaker 3:Yeah, and then there's the analogy that I always thought was cool. It's like our neural pathways are like water flowing down a hill and it's going to carve a channel, and then every time it rains, it's going to go down those channels that you carve, unless you intentionally create new ones. And so that was what I would envision, as I would do meditation or as I would catch some type of triggering event that would normally send me into a rage. I would catch it and I would breathe, or I would separate myself from the situation and try to ground myself.
Speaker 1:I love that, but almost just like I tend to be I try not to be these days, but I do still, every now and then, tend to be a loud person I'll just speak loud or be loud, whatever the case may be, and I have to catch myself in it and when I think about it I'm like you know what? Growing up, my whole family was very loud. Everyone would try to talk over each other and it would just be loud, loud, loud and I'm thinking shit. That's probably why, when I'm in conversations or whatnot, I'll get louder, and sometimes even when no one else is talking, I'll just be loud and I'm thinking what the hell? And? But like you shared it, it takes a realization and then it takes work to get to a point where you can recognize it quicker and quicker and quicker and resolve it.
Speaker 2:That's intense. That's intense, both of you having that heartfelt realization, I think anger for me shows up around repetitive behavior that just is annoying, like why Either am I doing it again and what is my problem to fix? Because I have those or people around me, I'm like WTF, I'm done, no more.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I can see how that would make anyone angry too.
Speaker 2:It's almost like I told you a thousand times how many to repeat what all the things Kevin said, because I think there's something really in there, One that you have to be intentional to not let anger lead, because otherwise it'll just be the go-to. And then the turning point was self-awareness, acceptance and choice. And Lord knows we talk about each of those things often. And Lord knows we talk about each of those things often.
Speaker 1:Do you think there are any moments, though, when anger is justified? Heck, yes.
Speaker 2:Example oh well, okay. So what makes me angry is when people around me repeat stupid behavior, so it's anger is justified when someone hasn't listened or valued or respected Something about. Whatever our situation is Right, and so, yeah, I'm angry because I'm choosing to waste my time in a way that's giving nothing in return, or I'm not being valued or respected in a way that someone can listen to and have an exchange, and so I have to question why am I in those experiences?
Speaker 1:anger you know what now that?
Speaker 3:anger is a normal emotion, right, and it's okay to feel it and it can be justified because it's yours. But whatever your actions are, if they're driven, if they're driven by anger, that doesn't make them okay. So that's your responsibility to identify like I'm feeling this and I I am, I'm supposed to feel it whatever. This is okay, this is normal, right. But then it's on you, it's your responsibility and and even if you allow it to control you or change you, that's still allowing it to have influence over you. Like if I get real pissed off, it's like if someone really really pisses me off, like I I'm way too quick to write people off and be like I'm good, I don't need negativity in my life and shit, but then I'm, I'm allowing it to control and make decisions for me, right? Versus maybe I don't need to let my ego get in the way, like and just be like you know what. I don't agree, I can respect you, you can respect me.
Speaker 2:Like that's intention and choice and then you don't have to be angry yeah, it's hard, we're not saying it's easy, it's intentions.
Speaker 1:Actions on your intentions are not easy it's kind of interesting when, like I've experienced, you know the spectrum of people where I've dealt with people who are very quick to anger, or I should say the response to anger. You know, whatever their anger is, they respond in a very lash out way, and others who it seems like nothing bothers them at all, like they wow. They must be very much in touch with their emotions or just literally, they're just so laid back and life is chill that nothing bothers them and I've seen those people and I hope what you're saying is true, that they are just chill and they don't carry any pent-up emotions you know, yeah, yeah, you're, yeah, you never know.
Speaker 2:You don't, but it would be nice to care less sometimes.
Speaker 1:Yeah, maybe it is something that they worked on themselves and developed and said you know what? My own stress, my own anxiety, maybe a medical issue, I mean you never know like. Certainly anger, the response to anger, and if we were to get emotional away that almost feels like you're about to have a heart attack or a stroke, is certainly not healthy. That is so the wrong way to be, and sometimes I I wonder if those episodes happen to certain people, which leads me to say you know what I can't afford my health is is more precious than letting anything get to me.
Speaker 2:Yes, I mean, there'll be people who will tell you that I have chosen because I was aware of health conditions and I'm going to step away from. Yeah, but Lou, you said it and you just you. It's funny because you said it earlier and then you asked. But so I'll share again what you said too. You said you've been able to work through having less anger, with self-reflection, with education and therapy. Mm, hmm, and we all need time for self-reflection.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and everyone's journey is different, everyone's story is different. For me it actually took a long time, and sometimes, when I it well, a long time. But also sometimes you don't know, because it can be somewhat gradual, like there's no defined line between when you weren't, when when you were and when you weren't. It's just for me it wasn't like that. But there was a day, maybe over the past few years, I go wow, you know what, if family, if that family member had said that to me years ago, I certainly would have reacted differently. Or even other people, not family, because obviously the influence of family on our behavior to non-family members. You know, family is a heavy role model and growing up in, whatever our family life is like, is heavily influences how we react around other people.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:But it it did make me kind of stop and think, wow, yeah, you know, have I arrived, or at least have I. I didn't think of it like that. I kind of look at it as a continuous journey, not that you ever get somewhere, more like constant improvement. But I'm like, wow, you know much different now than than many years ago. Like constant improvement, but I'm like, wow, you know much different now than than many years ago. But you know what's funny is, sadly, there are in my case certain family members I did have to cut loose because any, I'm sure both you can know who that is uh, so that person did not change, at least I don't know if they have today, but I have had to cut communications because they have not. Up to that point I said that's it, it's killing me yeah yeah, why continue
Speaker 3:if it's negatively impacting you, then you can't be everything that you need to be for the people around you that are on a similar journey, or on your journey right now. You know, I feel like just because we're in a, we grow into a different place than others at different points of time in our lives, and so we're on a different path, so to speak. The most, the best thing I think any individual can do is just be the most authentic for themselves, and then sometimes people will take a different path and end up back on your path, right. Like people grow at different times, they learn new things at different times that might change their perspective or perception and you might become aligned again. I think one of the main challenges is, like when you really care about somebody and like you know who are we to label or say they're doing something wrong, whatever, like even if it's self-destructive, that can be debated on, but if it's, if it's really having a negative impact on you, like be, be the light that you can be, like shine as bright as you can, and just living that way, I think, can have influence over others and have resonance that will vibrate to everyone around you.
Speaker 3:And if someone, if someone has their eyes closed whatever they're doing, whatever the self-destructive behavior is. Like you're not going to convince someone. Like you can let someone know how you feel in my opinion, but like you can't convince someone to change, and that's not your responsibility either. Your responsibility is to take care of yourself and the people around you that depend on you and that are aligned with you. You know, I think some of these concepts can come off as selfish, but I do believe, like if you sacrifice your well-being, you cannot be the best version of yourself. And some like many people, I'm sure for each of us depend on that version of us. Like they, you know it lifts them up, it helps fill their cup.
Speaker 2:And we need to fill each other's and selfish. I think we always need to give ourselves a checklist Is it selfish or self-care?
Speaker 3:Right yeah.
Speaker 1:And I know that can be especially challenging with family, because family is family. Well, we don't pick our family. They're with us till the end. And you know there's a lot of people who feel, oh, but it's your family, you should not just deal with it, but just ignore it or accept it or something like that. And I thought that way myself for a while. I will share, and what's odd is I think that made it worse. I felt like, well, why should I continue to put myself in those situations? And I said eventually Super challenging.
Speaker 3:I've been there myself. But I've also seen, like you know, growing up I've seen family members like stop talking to each other, like siblings and stuff, and it's like what a shame. Yeah, right, right. But again, like I don't know, I get the concept of family and blood, but like I have people closer to me that aren't blood related to me, that I love and love me and respect them and they respect me, and like with family, I think the most you can do, in my opinion, is like you try to set boundaries. That's healthy, right.
Speaker 3:If someone doesn't respect that, like I don't give a shit who you are. Like, no, that's not for me. Yeah, yeah, you know, fair enough, because if someone really truly loved you, they would respect it. Like, unless it's like a matter of of being conscious enough to understand what it means, or or aware enough, or whatever, I don't know, I don't know. I know I haven't cracked that, that one, but you do your due diligence and you express yourself in a healthy way, not through anger, right? And yeah, if a person doesn't accept that or respect that, then maybe just not a good time.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Right, you make me think of a post I saw just yesterday and I hope I get it right, but it was about gardening and this person said he saw this beautiful garden that this gentleman said and asked like how do you do that?
Speaker 1:Because they felt like I can't get my plants to do this or that. And he said I don't try to control how they they grow. I get rid of everything that prevents them from growing.
Speaker 2:Wow, de-weeding and things. Yeah, yeah and give them space to be.
Speaker 1:I love that selves.
Speaker 2:There's trust and belief in that and space.
Speaker 1:Yeah that is beautiful I gotta say just thinking out well, just thinking out loud for a moment, what a perfect title for the episode de-weeding all right, now you got it.
Speaker 3:Hey, melissa nancy wants to share something. Melissa kills every plant we get are you with us?
Speaker 2:I saw this post and it was talking about this. Someone was impressed with this guy who has this beautiful garden and asked him how does he do it. He said I don't try to control how things grow, I just get rid of all the things that prevent them from growing huh, so me melissa, I'm with you.
Speaker 1:I don't have a green thumb, so I don't. My plants are all plastic so that's just not true.
Speaker 4:I've kept so many of these plants alive, but they're also pretty durable plants, like if we had an orchid, it would not survive. Type of.
Speaker 3:Thing um he's good. What are those little like desert plants? Well the succulents. Little desert plants? Well, the succulents, succulents. She's great at succulents.
Speaker 4:Okay, you need to be watered every three weeks or something like that, I don't know. Everything else looks pretty good, it's not?
Speaker 3:bad the aloe, the money tree and the succulents.
Speaker 4:Well, and these peace lilies? They're just, they get alternating.
Speaker 2:What else do you need aloe?
Speaker 3:for your health. See, look at that Nancy, nancy's, so positive aloes are actually supposed to be good for like oxygenation.
Speaker 4:And then peace lilies, I forgot, are good for something, but they're toxic to the dog, so they're all off the ground thanks honey oh, is that it? Sorry hi.
Speaker 3:Melissa grown. Thanks honey. Oh, is that it Sorry?
Speaker 2:Bye, hi Melissa. Let's just wrap that really right Like that's, that's it, like just giving space for people to self-reflect, to find their own acceptance and choose their path forward, and give ourselves permission to do the same damn thing for ourselves.
Speaker 3:And if you're not feeling aligned or something feels off, whatever, take that space, sit in silence, like whatever it is for you Like, try to try to accept like Nancy said is for you. Like, try to try to accept, like Nancy said, identify things about yourself that you may want to change and then it's going to take action. But whatever it is, anything, I feel like anything can be accomplished, anything can be done, changed, evolved within a person just takes time and consistency.
Speaker 1:Yep, it may not happen overnight, and most likely it won't happen overnight, but it will happen eventually. Not at the same pace for everyone, but eventually you'll get there. It is certainly worth the time and getting yourself to a better place and making sure that that damn fucking house is clean. On that note, thank you all for joining us, appreciate you and appreciate you supporting us. We look forward to joining us on our next episode. Bye for now.