Ever felt that twinge of irritation when a well-meaning friend or partner offers unsolicited advice? Nancy, Kevin, and I share a laugh and swap stories about the times we've navigated this minefield in our own lives. We uncover why some guidance resonates while other well-intentioned nuggets simply bounce off, delving into the significance of who's giving the advice and our own openness to it. Our conversation might just change how you approach those tricky moments, creating connections instead of conflicts.
Ever felt that twinge of irritation when a well-meaning friend or partner offers unsolicited advice? Nancy, Kevin, and I share a laugh and swap stories about the times we've navigated this minefield in our own lives. We uncover why some guidance resonates while other well-intentioned nuggets simply bounce off, delving into the significance of who's giving the advice and our own openness to it. Our conversation might just change how you approach those tricky moments, creating connections instead of conflicts.
Hello and welcome to Clean your Fucking House bitch with Nancy, kevin and Lou. In our program we get real about the challenges of life and living. Your mind is the most powerful tool you have to ensure you are on your desired path for success and satisfaction. Yet from the day you are born, you gradually and subconsciously fill it with tons of useless shit that gets in your way. Why is that? How can you clean that mess up? We'll show you how. Get ready to clean your fucking house. Welcome back everyone to another wonderful episode. We are so happy you are with us today as we share in every one of these episodes.
Speaker 1:We sometimes will have a bit of a conversation about. Kevin. Nancy and I were just talking about what we want to talk about and wow, folks, it's amazing because we've covered a lot of topics over the past. Was it two and a half years or so since we started? And while there's just so many more topics to talk about, sometimes we think, well, you know what? Some of the things we discuss maybe just need a bit more unpacking, and in this episode we thought we'd go down a certain path.
Speaker 1:That kind of deals with relationships or I guess relationships is really the best word I can think of, because there's like anything, relationships require work and a particular aspect of any relationship may deal with with the communication and the aspect of when somebody would either like you to do something, or tells you to do something, or even phrases their communication like I'm just giving you advice. Those words can sometimes trigger an interesting reaction from folks, depending, I guess, on what that advice is. But I know with me personally and it could be my own experience, as most things are with all of us that that certainly triggers a certain response. And there you have it, that that's kind of an interesting point of discussion is when we have that kind of communication with others, what is our response? How do we feel? How do we deal with it? Do we need to like? Do you feel like, kevin? What?
Speaker 2:is the sense on the person that you're speaking with, because there are some people that I'll engage in a conversation. It could be the same exact topic, but there are some people I'll engage in a conversation with and might offer some advice or some of their perspective, and I'm like open to it. I'm like, okay, that makes sense and I'm actively listening to them. And then there's other people I can think of where I'm just like I don't know if I don't trust that person's advice or worldview or whatever the case is. But I'm just like I wasn't bringing it up for your opinion on it kind of thing, right, like I just wanted to chat about it. So I feel like the person that you're engaging with at least for me it matters.
Speaker 3:I think you just took a key thing, and that is that people offer advice or guidance sometimes before they know if it's even really wanted. Most times, when you're talking with someone, that is exactly what it's about. You just want to be heard, not given guidance, and so it can be a trigger. It can ruffle all those feathers that make one want to start boxing.
Speaker 1:That's an excellent point. So really it isn't just the fact in some cases of who's giving it, and what they're saying is, where are we at at that time that it's given? Wow, that's almost like an epiphany and for me I never really thought of that. But, kevin, to your point, that is also an interesting observation and it kind of makes me think of TV shows, comedies in particular, where that kind of happens and then people get a piece of advice and the person will be like you know who are you to tell me what to, or whatever. I don't need to listen to you. And then they'll get that same piece from a different friend and wow, that's wonderful, thank you for sharing. And of course it's a bit of comedy for the show. But I'm like does that really happen in real life?
Speaker 3:Yes, those shows don't make that shit up, they get it for real life.
Speaker 1:Well, yeah. So then that really is funny to me. Do you have a?
Speaker 3:friend like that, lou, who gives you offers advice or guidance.
Speaker 1:No, no, not really. I mean in the folks You're the go-to guy. I'm sorry, Maybe you're the go-to guy.
Speaker 1:Well, I don't. For some people I tend to be more advice giving, but I also don't give it without it being asked. Maybe it's what do you think or what would you do? Only, however, there are situations where certain words may be mentioned from the other party and I will share, like well, if can I share something with you? And I will put it that way, and, as an example, I have a friend who does frequently share that why aren't I moving forward in life, or getting the things that I would like to have, or I've always wanted this and da-da-da, there's a lot of that. I have these goals and I have these things I want and I'm just not getting them.
Speaker 1:And what's going on? I'll usually interject with a bit of can I give you some advice whenever the dialogue goes to a place of? I wish I could have if that was different. Or, in other words, well, why are you wasting your energy with the? What it could or should is, if you want something going forward, focus on that, be present or be future forward view, however the case may be, but other than that, no. But I will say, as Kevin mentioned, what he mentioned, and now, as you just stated, your question, nancy, it does remind me that there are two parental figures in my life, that it is interesting that one of them could give the same bit of advice that the other one would give, and yet I'd be probably more open to hearing it from one than the other.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it's weird, how that happens.
Speaker 1:And that person has given advice. But you know what it is it's in the delivery. I just literally know that from the experience, that you know what it's all in the delivery.
Speaker 3:Tell us more about that. Is that a tone of voice? Is that a specific demand and actions? Like what Break it down?
Speaker 1:Well, with those two it really is. And there are several folks in my life who are kind of I've always thought of as, say, parental figures, because I'm the youngest of five kids. So you know I have older siblings who are kind of like parental figures. I have also. My mom is the youngest of her siblings, so a lot of her cousins are almost like aunts and uncles to me. Not sorry, her cousins are more like aunts and uncles to her and I've always treated them like parental figures because she's very young. So then there's been in that extended family.
Speaker 1:A lot of them would kind of give advice. But as an example of the delivery, what I've noticed with many of them is it is more you should do this, or it doesn't even sometimes start with well, share more what your problem is, or I'd like to listen to whatever it usually comes from a place of. I want you to do this, you should live your life this way, or you know something like that. And I think, upon reflection, that probably really speaks to the fact that they only have the experience they have to work with. You know, maybe if their life didn't go a certain way, they're going by. Well, it didn't work for me, so it probably wouldn't work for you. I don't know.
Speaker 2:Well, regardless of how things turned out with any given scenario, people are still typically looking at things through their lens.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Right, and I think the difference, the distinction that you just mentioned, was that you know somebody telling you what to do, versus maybe asking different questions to get you to think of things from another perspective. Right, because when we're talking to someone about something in our lives I don't know that we're always like ever really typically looking to be told. I mean that would be great, right, if someone could just give you all the right fucking answers all the time and just take the work out of it. But I think it's more like the empathetic approach of I care about you and it seems like you're possibly having a difficult time or this challenge that you're trying to overcome or make a decision on Asking questions to try to gather as much information, versus, like you should do this, because my life, you know, my experience, this is what you do.
Speaker 3:And even that person who has a lot of experience, if they're willing to just ask those questions to get more curious for you. You know, like you said, lou, what is share more about your problem. What is it you're trying to uncover? What is it you're trying to do? What is it that isn't working? Without them assuming that they can tell you how it's going to work for you, even though they've had a ton of experience with the same damn thing you know it makes you and even some want to talk more about what's not working and figure it out, versus being told what to do.
Speaker 1:And that's even been the case with folks that my, my, my mom's again, it's my mom's cousin, but he's so much older than her it's more like it's it's you know, her, her uncle, he actually his wife was someone I used to speak to a lot and she, even though she may not have experience with things I mean one, literally being she's a woman. I'm a man, so some of the issues I may have surfaced as a, as a young sir, could have come from that perspective, a gender thing, but she was always I'd like to learn more or share more or tell me more, kind of thing. So even if they didn't have experience, they would be open to learning more about what the experience kind of meant for me or what I was going through to learn more in order to even give advice. I thought, wow, that's pretty amazing that someone because most of my family doesn't have that. So it's amazing that when you meet someone like that who's very open to to learning more, it's refreshing.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, because you feel heard I guess where that's back to your your values are being listened to or explored and you're feeling that someone cares and they may or may not, but the gift is is having you feel like they do and then you hear yourself, I guess, unfold your situation and the answers come out of that.
Speaker 1:You know what, and maybe therein is the magic. It isn't so much the advice they give you, but the questions they ask and the words they say. That kind of guide you to make a decision that's right for you. You know, maybe that's.
Speaker 3:Boom. I think we're done for the day. That a really powerful statement. Lou, that's the magic.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and you know, and that that isn't something I think that people are born with or that, or maybe some are, I don't know. It just kind of has me thinking, wow, you know those folks who are like gurus or wizards or they knew something that a lot of other people don't know because, again, there were just so few of them yet they were the ones that made others in the family just feel better and comforted, and but you know what? Maybe you know, maybe there is that aspect of being born with a certain degree of I don't know empathy or yeah.
Speaker 1:I don't know if that per se is something learned, but oh, I think it is.
Speaker 3:I think I'm still learning it personally, but I'm not always good at it. Oddly enough, when it comes to mine, you're bringing me back to younger days and whatever that commandment is given to others, as you would have done it whatever you'd want done unto you. And ultimately, what you're saying is that feeling Like if I just want to be heard, if I could just hear someone and ask the questions that would allow them to unfold their experience, then that's all like, that's all I really want. And then they hear themselves and, like I said, the answer I think comes with the conversation. I feel like, wow, nope, you said it. We have you recorded. We need to back it up. Replay.
Speaker 1:So have you folks ever been given advice that you said, no way, I'm not listening to this, this is crap. Did you? Often Okay, and did you shit like how did you Because oftentimes it'll come back to well did you take my advice? You know, sometimes that's a follow up down the road. I mean, I know.
Speaker 3:I sounded really terrible there. So sometimes I get given advice more often than I wanted, I'll just say, and sometimes it comes back to bite me because I need to listen, and sometimes it serves me to just listen and move on. So I think both sides have to really listen in the moment and look at the circumstances what's the context of the situation, to really come to the best choice on what to do, whether it's advice being given or an action being chosen.
Speaker 2:What do you think about the idea? If someone does engage in a conversation, you can tell it's something that they're kind of back and forth on, asking them if they just want to be heard and want a listening ear or if they are looking for advice. Just to kind of lay that out right off the get go.
Speaker 3:I've started doing that with my daughter because, as the mother tendency to give the advice that she doesn't really want anything to do with. Sometimes I have to ask are you just telling me? To tell me, do you want my feedback? I think that's a smart idea.
Speaker 1:I've never done that. I think that's a smart idea. I agree, I've never done that myself, but it's almost like in the spirit of transparency or honesty or just what the do you want me to do, because I'm happy to go either way. That's a brilliant solution.
Speaker 2:Well, that could also like if you were to start a conversation, say you're the one that has some stuff going on and you do want someone to just listen, maybe that could promote that person from going into that advice giving mode, into more the inquisitive, like let me learn more, open up more, expand on that Totally, Because if you're not looking for advice, I mean some people still will probably just blurt out some shit because it's habit, right, yeah, but that could get someone to thinking like well, if they don't want advice, maybe I'll ask a question.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I find it interesting when some folks will say what they say and then you might you say, well, either it's something that actually is an advice, like it's more of a command, and yet They'll say, well, I'm just giving you advice, but if it's okay, I heard you, but I'm not gonna, but I don't agree. They'll sometimes get either defensive or upset. I'm like, well, shit, you just, you know, advice isn't something that needs to be taken. It's more like it's a gift and you can either accept it or not. So, like, why somebody get upset if you don't take their advice? I've always found that to be interesting.
Speaker 3:Well, I love that you said that, because it's so true. And then it is up to us the receiver right To also choose how we're gonna deal with the information we've gotten. And we don't have to be defensive, we just don't have to accept it. But we do sometimes tend to like you heard me say, yeah, I do it all the time Cause I'm like, don't tell me what to do.
Speaker 2:I like how you said that earlier, nancy. You're like you'll just listen and then move on type of thing If someone's giving you advice, because that can start conflict, I feel like pretty easily, especially if you're already in a height and emotional state from whatever you have going on and then you're trying to talk to someone about it and you don't feel heard. Now you're like what the fuck Cause? That could be super frustrating. You're going to someone that you obviously respect and care about and they care about you, and then you don't feel heard. It just can add more shit on top of it.
Speaker 1:Yep. You know, some situations are probably considered age. What would be the word Not age specific, but advice about, say, marriage to a 16 or 17 year old would be much different than advice. I hope they're not fucking kidding me. Well, sorry, not that they're going to get married that day, but I'm saying you know?
Speaker 1:if you have a high school kids who are talking about it. Well, wait to your at least 20, you know what I mean. That kind of advice kind of naturally pours out. But where I'm going is what do you think about the whole aspect of letting somebody kind of learn on their own, versus either giving any or, of course, if you give some and they don't listen to it, or otherwise whatever. Whatever you know, sometimes you'll see the situation where well, I told you so and I feel that that could be even more damaging sometimes than even for sure, and what I really even like about you just said there, lewis, cause it would be cool to lean into.
Speaker 3:Maybe a 16 year old is talking about getting married and maybe it's just about what makes you want to get married. Now, what would be good about it? What do you like about it? Give them all of that you know and then ask what would be hard about it? But lean in. Yeah, lean in.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's good. Ask questions inquiring, as opposed to freaking out like what. You're only 16, you want to get married. What the fuck?
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, it was just like well in the after epiphany.
Speaker 1:I feel like, yeah, well, you know it is and folks I will share with all of you as well as Kevin and Nancy here, as oftentimes we get into these discussions and it just it's almost like, yeah, therapy for us, kind of funny. So, nancy, I was curious to dig into a little bit more because you started sharing too about how or what are some of the ways that you, you know you're like don't tell me what, the what, the F to do kind of minds, what was the turning point or things that led to your taking a different course.
Speaker 3:Well, what I, what I like to let people know because even people that know me don't always feel this in a conversation is that I like to talk personally. I like to talk about the options, and so I might ask someone to talk with me about options because I need to process it and just play it out in my mind and make a decision for myself, and so I'm not asking what do you think I should do? And if I can clarify that upfront, then it makes it easier to have a conversation about what different options could be and what would be good or bad about any of them. So I think that's come up a couple of three times and we should remember that as sharing ahead of time what our real intentions in considering something is or are.
Speaker 1:That's an interesting approach to it too is, rather than just say I think you know, as the advice person, if someone's even asking for it is rather than well, you should do this, as if to imply that this is the only thing that should be done, is provide options. Well, you know, there's a variety of things you could do or think about, because, again, I think delivery seems to be key.
Speaker 3:Sure. And then I mean, even in coaching situations, what I share with people is that they have the answer and they might not feel like it today, because we get our inside gets out of line right. So the gut and the mind and the heart, one will freeze and the other wants to run, and one takes action and the other's ticked off, you know. And we're like, why do I feel this way? How do I do it? I don't know, I can't get. I wanna do it but I can't. And once we find that inner alignment, then we know what's the best way to move forward.
Speaker 2:So, giving space for figuring all that out, listening and talking through the heart, the mind and the gut, I think something that I've learned throughout the years is getting to know the audience that I approach well enough to know who to discuss what with, because anyone that I engage with, there's gonna be a certain level of respect and love there.
Speaker 2:Right, like, those are the people in my lives, typically the closest, but sometimes I think it's easy for our care for somebody to maybe too heavily impact being able to help a person out in that way, right, like, I think, people that, like a mother daughter relationship, I think a lot of times it's gonna err on the side of caution and protection versus anything that could be damaging or taking too big of a risk, right? So I think, knowing your audience, and then some people again, yeah, just aren't cut out to, you know, maybe they don't think about things as deeply as you do or they're stubborn, so they hear one thing and they grasp onto this subject and can't separate from that one perspective or perception very easily. So audience, yeah for sure.
Speaker 1:And, speaking of audience, I know Kevin has shared some in the past, like work related stories. Nancy, I think you have shared that you worked in corporate America, say, as an example, years ago. So, whether you've been in the boss situation or the subordinate situation, how have you dealt with advice like, say, as a boss, if you give advice to someone who reports to you and they don't take it like you know is it?
Speaker 3:it could depend on the situation, but it yeah, if you're asking me, like people that have been on teams, I've had managed. I mean, sometimes there is just a process that needs to be followed in providing that clarification. This is the expectation and that needs to be done, making that clear, and then sometimes it could be done a couple of different ways and it's your choice. Sometimes the options do what's comfortable for you. So, being clear with communication as a subordinate I've certainly had it made very clear to me sometimes is the way it's going to get done. Thank you, you do it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and that's one of the reasons I asked a question. I've been in situations where it's like you got to do it this way or else, even though that way wasn't really a good way, but and I've done this, I mean that's what I've done, like, okay, we'll do it that way. It may take me four days versus two hours this other way.
Speaker 2:But that's the challenge. Right Is because there are going to be certain ways to accomplish a task that are going to resonate more with you because you function a certain way or think a certain way or perform better a certain way. That could be challenging, but yeah, sometimes shit just has to get done too.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think as a leader, it's important to understand or create that one environment where people are empowered and feel comfortable making decisions on things that they can do best or more efficient in a certain way, but without kind of going outside certain boundaries where what you're violating, or a company or whatever yeah, but yeah, that can be tricky.
Speaker 3:Love that, lou. You want them to feel empowered to make choices, to get the job done in the way they feel is the most productive or expedient in the moment, and not have to be on guard for your judgment from around the corner all the time.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and one of the reasons I bring that up is it was actually a situation, a discussion, a work discussion not that long ago where that was the situation, not at the company I'm at, but as a consequence of talking with clients.
Speaker 1:One of the clients was looking at reshaping the business to be more where lower level people are empowered to do things. And the person thought, wow, our company feels like we're still operating, say, out of the 60s or 70s, where the boss said something, you did it, no matter what. And I was like, wow, that's actually a refreshing way to look at things is give more power to the people, because folks have shared that same sentiment with me in the past as, oh my gosh, whatever the boss says goes, whatever advice it is, and whether or not it's, like you said, if it's a process thing or it has to go in a way a policy, that's understandable. But other things, when there are different ways to approach a task I think, as Kevin mentioned, everyone's different when folks have different levels of skill, of experience, of knowledge, and one person can get something done one way and someone a completely different way, so it doesn't always have to be just one way.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think what Nancy mentioned is good communication and clear expectations.
Speaker 3:Helps.
Speaker 2:Oh, it's tremendous.
Speaker 3:And that actually helps everywhere. Like, interestingly enough, when we chose this topic today, I didn't think of it as relationships, and then Lou went to introduce it and he started talking about advice and relationships. Like what are you talking about? But what you just said, kevin, applies, and it applies to that with relationships. It applies to advice giving in any circumstance work, personal relationships, friends.
Speaker 1:Actually that's what I meant. I meant on all levels, like a work relationship, a personal relationship, a friend, family, yeah, whatever the case may be, because I mean I don't know if. Well, you know what, and I'll let you say it. What if you got advice from a stranger, would you treat that any differently than advice from somebody you know? I mean, I guess it depends on what it is and where it's coming from. But kind of gets back to Kevin's observation that would you react differently if the same advice was given by two different people?
Speaker 2:Yeah, for sure.
Speaker 3:I mean but I guess we're telling ourselves, and so we should accept it at that is that we need to one consider where we are in the moment in the day, to consider the perspective that the person who's giving this guidance or advice is bringing it from, be open minded enough to see it from that side too might be different than our own and then just weigh the pros and cons.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and some of it too, is if someone who's been giving advice has always been delivering it in a not helpful way, I think the knee jerk reaction when they're about to give some more is they're probably going to do the same thing. And it's probably always a good idea to approach every situation with a bit of open mind and say, okay, well, maybe this time might be. I don't know like odds are.
Speaker 2:They probably be the same too because there are times where you're going to get the same advice from the same person, but sometimes they'll add a little nugget in there that could be useful. So I think, just listening and maybe not trying to attach any type of emotional reaction to what's being said, not taking it personally, take it at face value. But it's funny that you brought up the subject. I saw this. I don't know if it's a quote or whatever, but I saw this on social media. When you talk, you're only repeating what you already know, but if you listen, you may learn something new.
Speaker 1:Boom, that's true, you know, it is interesting too, because I know oftentimes when I'll get advice, say from my mom, she will share it. But she won't always give more background about where, say it comes from. And not that I necessarily need to know that, but over time I've learned oh, that's why she feels that way or that's why you know either an experience happened to her or whatever the case may be. So it's always later on then I'll be. You know, whenever we've had discussions again I'll be like okay, there's got to be more to it. Then you know what's going on here.
Speaker 1:And it kind of makes for sometimes even more interesting discussions in that way, because then I'll ask my own probing questions oh, so what are you doing in the 60s that will? You know what acid is or whatever I don't know like and why it's bad for you. But you know, just as an example, like, okay, she's, it's funny. You know the older generations don't, don't, they want us to think they're, they didn't, they did no wrong, and but we know they were just as they were young ones.
Speaker 3:I'm saying maybe she did experiment with acid and that's why she was telling you not to Well, in that particular case?
Speaker 1:no, Well, Luna was asking if she should or not.
Speaker 2:Is that how this whole thing started?
Speaker 1:Yeah, mom, what do you think of acid? No, but it is. It is funny because I, my mom, has always, and ever since I've known her, she never smoked, she never drank, she never did drugs, nothing like that. But later on in life I'm like, well, wait a minute, not even one cigarette or not even one hit of weed or something. And I'm like, okay, yeah, you're not. You know, there's just a couple of fun stories here and there, but you know, end of the day she's still very straight-laced like that. Wow. So either of you want to share some ending advice for our listeners as we, as we start this new year and listen.
Speaker 3:I think that's always. My ending thought is to ask and listen.
Speaker 1:So listen more. That's a great advice.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think something that I'm working on is just utilizing reflections better, because I think that it really helps someone feel heard, and I think a lot of the time that's all we look for when we're dealing with something big in our lives is just for someone to hear all of my perspectives, and then I feel better.
Speaker 1:Awesome, awesome, I think. For me, one of my own things I'm working on more is the kind of goes in line with reflections, and even listening is simply pausing. You know, when you do have a conversation and someone whether it's offering advice or whatever they're saying is stop and absorb and understand a little bit more, maybe through probing questions, to get a little bit more information about where it's coming from, rather than any kind of reaction out of the gate. So pausing and reflecting, pausing and listening kind of all go hand in hand. Really nice, wow, okay, this was great. I really enjoyed this conversation. You both offered some great advice. That's why I love you both. Thank you for a wonderful episode, folks. We hope you enjoyed it. You found it educational and entertaining. Thank you again for joining us. We look forward to you joining us on the next one. Bye for now.