When life gets tough, many of us feel the need to isolate ourselves to work through what we have going on. When does that action become extensive and when is the need for connection more important than isolation? In this episode we break down the importance of social connection in our lives.
When life gets tough, many of us feel the need to isolate ourselves to work through what we have going on. When does that action become extensive and when is the need for connection more important than isolation? In this episode we break down the importance of social connection in our lives.
Hello, and welcome to clean your fucking house bitch with Nancy, Kevin and Lou. In our program, we get real about the challenges of life and living. Your mind is the most powerful tool you have to ensure you are on your desired path for success and satisfaction. Yet from the day you are born, you gradually and subconsciously fill it with tons of useless shit that gets in your way. Why is that? How can you clean that mess up? We'll show you how to get ready to clean your fucking house. Hello, friends, welcome back to another episode. We are so happy that you are with us today. We have a Nancy and I are so happy you are with us today. What did I sound two series here today. So I'm
Kevin Anderson:really happy that you're here.
Lou:Folks, we were just having a little bit of a chit chat as we always do before episodes because we talk about you know what each of us is doing in our lives, what we'd like to talk about what's going on in the world. But most importantly, we are talking we are communicating we are socializing. Which leads me to the general theme of our episode today, which is the importance, the need the power, really of social connections, much of the material that I have read and learned over the years in terms of self improvement, personal development, being a better person, and just improving our own lives. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, social connections always pops up as a key contributor to quote unquote, success. Who would like to start in terms of contributing his or her thoughts? And what I just said, Do you feel it is social connections are important, Nancy? Oh, yeah, I think
Nancy:that, that humans were meant for that have those connections, right. And we need our time, in solitude and alone and to have some space to think and do independently. But also, I think, ideally, for the right. I don't want to overuse the word balance, but for the right balance, we need interaction.
Lou:Great. What do you say to people, though, who might say I love being alone? I don't want to be around people. I hate people. I don't know if anyone actually says that.
Kevin Anderson:But I've said, Oh,
Unknown:well, then the other way to answer that question.
Kevin Anderson:I think it depends, you know, we all go through different phases in life. And I think a part of my growth path, even more recently, was having to open up a little bit more, and connect myself more. Like I did get to a point where I prioritized my, what I considered it was prioritizing my wellness. And it was kind of just trying to focus on myself, right, which I think is important. But I was very reactive to others. I've always, I've always been an empath, I can feel others emotions. And I know when people are having bad days, and like the world just became so crazy to me that I had to kind of detach myself for a while. But then you get to a point, I think and we were just talking earlier about working from home and like being by herself all the time and stuff. And I think at a certain point, you do start to feel the need for human interaction. And I think it is important. But I also think it can be difficult sometimes to and then you get into the conversation on relationships and forgiveness and acceptance. And all that, you know, I think human relationships are some of the most complicated things in our lives, right? Yeah, it's very multifaceted. It's, it can get really complicated. So that was for me, that was like, Okay. A lot of my relationships had gotten complicated. The world was crazy. And I was like, Okay, I'm not responding well to any of this. I don't feel good. So my solution was to kind of just focus on myself detach myself from a lot of relationships and some relationships. I don't know if that's healthy. And just focus on myself and meditate like, it depends, right? So I go back and forth with it. My therapist about this because my thing is like, if I have a if I have a relationship with someone, I feel like relationships need to be reciprocated both ways with how much effort a personal put in, or what that person will do to help out if you need help and stuff like that. And sometimes things get so complicated, or a person acts in a way that you wouldn't have expected. And I think boundaries are definitely advantageous, right? Those are, it's very healthy. At what point does it make sense to say, okay, every single time I talk to this person, or I'm around them, I feel less energized, leaving having had that experience or I feel a little bit worse. So then it's like, okay, if a relationship is making me feel worse, is that a good relationship to have? At what point do you cut it off?
Nancy:If it was a food you were eating that made you feel not well? Would you keep eating?
Kevin Anderson:Yeah, I have.
Lou:Okay, yeah, that's awesome tolerance. And I love ice cream, I won't stop eating ice cream
Kevin Anderson:I get, I get what you're saying with it. No, at a certain point, if it really started negatively impacting your health, I think that we would all have the awareness to know we shouldn't engage in that anymore.
Nancy:I even will say, I've had some dear friends that live, I can't get there in less than an hour like I did. And so we, we have such great camaraderie that we want to get together all the time. But it's more like once a year, because the reality is, I don't have two hours to come to hike in the afternoon with you, you know, and so, that was a hard separation, if you will, um, I want to go back to what you were talking about self care, you totally need, we all need that. That's kind of what I was saying too. And I think you need that solitude and space to pull back and refocus your inner self that's, that is caring for yourself. And then as you did as you started to feel healed, you know, then you're like, Okay, I can step back out and re engage with people and explore what those are. It's not a relationship if they don't give back.
Kevin Anderson:Yeah. And I, the, the, it's funny, because I think as we grow, sometimes we grow separate. You know, Lou likes to use the metaphor about like paths, and roads, and trails and stuff like that. And sometimes I think they're running parallel to each other, and you are maybe on the same one, you're with that person, and then you can gross grow apart or start pursuing different successes in life. And I think that's one of the main barriers in a lot of relationships. And I think it's also a good determining factor on the type of relationship you have. But when you start changing things in your life, and you feel like it's for the better. And other people might not like that, right? They like the you that they've known for 10 years that has struggled and calls them for advice, because they can't get their shit together. And then once you start getting it together, there might be less interest in them, because it's not the same person. So it's like, okay, and that can cause some strain on the relationship as well. So it's like, what am I going to do, I am I going to just continue struggling for the rest of my life. So I can have this exact relationship and hold on to it or kind of say, you know, this is where I'm at right now, it doesn't seem to be aligned with where you're at. And maybe one day we'll connect again.
Nancy:You just made me think of someone I'm working with who is a young man, I don't know if he's between 28 and 35, something like that. But um, he's having to make that choice with his mom and his sister. And having to separate himself because of exactly what you said there. He always felt less than whoever he wants to be. And he acted in a way he didn't want to act. And he realized when he's not around them, he doesn't do that. And by setting those boundaries, he feels happier in life. He doesn't have anxiety, he doesn't feel depressed and it's hard to say out loud, I'm better without my mom and my sister, but recognizing personal well being is so important.
Unknown:I can really,
Kevin Anderson:I think we look we lose Kevin, we I know it's common. We look through the lens of our of house more, act us, right? So we see someone changing. And I think just naturally we think about how their change affects us and impacts our lives, versus looking selflessly at what they're doing. You know, being happy for them, it's like, well, and I've been there like, you know, it ends up being a battle of comparison. And your brain on this person wanting to do better, and maybe you feel a little bit stuck, maybe what they're pursuing highlights areas of your life that maybe you need to put a little bit more effort into.
Nancy:Yeah, it's hard.
Lou:But we should only be comparing ourselves with ourselves, we should shut Terry to true, we don't want to shit on ourselves. But it's important to compare who we are today with who we were yesterday, versus who anyone else is today. But then,
Kevin Anderson:on the other side of that discussion, there are people that when you connect with them, you feel much better. Or you have a very deep conversation, or, you know, there's people you talk to, when you're having a real shitty week, and you have a one hour conversation and recorded to upload as a podcast, and you feel so much better afterwards, even though you didn't want to get on the computer or do anything that day. So maybe it's like social interaction is important. But the correct social interaction, I don't think it should be forced, I think it needs to be natural, it needs to be aligned, it needs to be there needs to be a common resonance between the people for the kind of flow choice.
Lou:Yeah, and all of that. It's very complex, because of course, we're going to, we're going to feel comfortable and relate to someone who is either similar to us similar interests. You know, that's such a huge dynamic, it goes into a lot of different aspects. But where I'm going is, I remember there were times in the workplace where there were people that one I had to communicate with, of course, because I worked with them. But boy, I knew they were people I did not want to socialize with outside of work. And even sometimes I had to do that as part of the job. There were those, you know, after work, team building events and things like that. But I, I've always been pleasantly surprised and intrigued by those people that have come across my path that I didn't necessarily work directly with may have been a little bit on the fringe or their perimeter. Yet we connected so well. How's that? Oh, wow. I would love if that person, you know, if we were on the same team, or work together, or ran in similar circles, like I, you know, I've always been like, wow, there's someone who I have a lot of in common with. And I don't know if you two have ever run into that situation, just kind of like, it's not that really, what do you call it passing up to chips? And then I think that's a sexual reference, isn't it? But yes, but it's a similar thing, where you just meet someone who just really like, Wow, I love you know, what they're what they're talking about, where they're coming from their level of intent, like everything about him that you just, there's a compatibility there in a in a, in a non sexual way. Yeah.
Nancy:I think that you can be inspired by people around you. Yeah, maybe not directly interact with them. But when you see how or hear, you know, see what they do or hear how they interact, that can be inspiring and motivating. And that's a high level of awareness. Lou, lot of people
Lou:don't well, it it makes me I guess, understand more, some of where Kevin comes from when he talks about frequency vibration. You know, some folks emit a certain frequency and vibration that really connects with our own. And it could just be a few words, they say a few phrases, something just goes wow, I just really connect with this person spiritually, intellectually, there's, you know, you kind of know, and it has to, I'm sure it has something to do with frequency or vibration, because what else could it be?
Kevin Anderson:I think sometimes it doesn't even require words. It's just saying that you can feel our demeanor or something. Yeah, something that you picked up on. But you would try life. I think that's a lot of what men manifestation is, is like you gravitate towards things that are on the vibration that you're on. Right? So if you're really struggling, and more shit keeps happening and it keeps getting harder. You know, you got to make a change, otherwise you're gonna keep gravitating to those things that have that effect on your life or your well being.
Nancy:That's exactly why you you know what you said earlier, you're like, I don't like what I'm feeling or what I'm doing. So I'm going to pull back that's why that was such a gift to yourself. Right to reevaluate what's around you and comeback in a way that it is your choice.
Kevin Anderson:I think it's so easy in life. So this is a little abstract, potentially, but I'm sure everyone listening expects that out of me. Like, it's easy to lose yourself with so much stimuli in the world and not spend any time alone or go inward. Like I just, I have learned so much more about myself. And yes, I have many more questions. But I've learned so much more about myself and what I need, not by like learning more reading more necessarily, but just say, like being quiet, sitting in silence, doing some breathing exercises, meditation, like, you just learn about yourself, and you learn a lot of the things about yourself that you're like, I don't necessarily agree with myself on that, or I don't want to be that way. Or I don't need to think those thoughts or the emotions or the anxiety or the depression. Like I don't want any of that I want to feel fulfilled and live authentically. And I think, when we're just, you know, keeping our heads down, chipping away at things need to get done and just staying reactive to things. Like at least we're taking action, but I think we can get caught in this loop and lose ourselves a little bit. And then it's kind of like when you sit back and you slow down? What's the purpose of all of it? You know, are you being intentional with your decisions? Or are you being reactive, or conforming? We've talked about that quite a bit. So I think, again, we've mentioned balance all the time. Right. So on this topic of connection and interaction, I think it's still balanced. I don't think we can go all the time. I think it could be a level of codependency and others to keep us engaged, so that we don't sit alone. And I think that's one of the things people when you talk to them, Hey, you, you know, whatever, you get into a discussion about something that they you know, wish they could change. Sleep is a big one. A lot of people wish they could sleep much better. They don't sleep well. And every person you ever ask why they're like, I can't turn my brain off. I just think too much. And I was in that same boat. You know, 15 years ago, I thought I was special. Like, I'm just like, my brain works great, like non stop. Always thinking and shit. Little did I know that I was like, on the path of self sabotage. You know? And it's like, it was too much. It was,
Nancy:yeah, that there's that aspect. And also people who would say, I can power through, like, they felt better than I can get by in five or six hours. I'm good. Like a strength position. Right? I'm cool. And it's like, yeah, back to the cell set.
Kevin Anderson:When you when you're engaging in that, like when I was doing that, again, it was probably about 15 years ago, I was getting like five hours of sleep. You know, I had a night life. And I was on my own. It was great, right? I thought I was functioning. Well. I'm like, I'm not skipping a beat. Like, everything's great. I was getting to the gym at 5am. It didn't. It wasn't until I started actually getting good sleep. I was like, holy shit. Like, I feel so much different than how I was feeling before. It's a
Nancy:thing for sure. And you're right, that's one of the hardest thing and people struggle with is letting go and how to put the mind at ease so you can get that rest. How do you how do you get sleep now? What do you do to shut your mind off?
Kevin Anderson:Okay, drugs.
Nancy:No, come on.
Kevin Anderson:I do take melatonin and magnesium glycinate I think those things helped me quite a bit. But really, it's it's just being able to tune in to how you're feeling. And it can get hard when you're really stressed out or you're very anxious and sometimes you can't pinpoint why you're feeling that way. But you know you are and you don't like it. I think it's just main maintenance continuing to do the things you know you need to do for me. I think getting outside Lou, we were talking about that getting outside helps out a lot with kind of connecting. Stretching, yoga, helps out meditation. Going back to that when when people are like, I can't turn my brain off. It's like, Oh, why don't you try meditations like, like I can't. I can never do that. Like, literally it's the most free thing you can do. And it doesn't require anything but yourself. You don't even have choirs mindset,
Nancy:but it requires might require that
Kevin Anderson:but you don't need to be in like a certain place. It doesn't need to be a certain time. You don't have to depend on anyone else? I think, just, I mean, our entire lives is built around external factors in our lives, the physical world that we live in. So our entire lives, we've been looking externally, for a person to sit down and be silent, not have any stimulus and just focus inward or on their thoughts. It's, it can feel like a nightmare. Like, you don't want to do that you want to engage in anything but your inner self. But I feel like that's where the truth is, that's where you really get to know who you are, what's important in life, and you really tune in to some beautiful things when you're able to do that. And I think it could be like that for everybody. It doesn't have to be meditation, but, you know, go to a movie by yourself or go to a dinner by yours. I've never done either one of those things. But I know people who have and I commend them. willingness, there you go. I have sure that's awesome. You know, you're maybe getting a little uncomfortable. But you're, you're I feel like you're showing up for yourself. And I think if we can't show up for ourselves, you know, we can't really, I don't think we can expect others to show up for us. I think we need to be our number one supporter.
Lou:Yeah. You know, when I lived in Florida, I used to even like, go to Disney by myself. It was awesome. Can go when you're here. And you can get and you can get on the rides easier, because you can go in the single rider lines. So I'm like, that was awesome. Go where you want eat when you want. I think doing things on your own is not abnormal. I mean, not that you're saying it is abnormal. But I see nothing wrong with that at all.
Nancy:I think you're right, Lou, it's a strength. And there's nothing wrong with it. But I think it is abnormal, maybe too big a word, but it is something people do not do or choose or lean into. There's an intention to always have a partner of some kind. I think we we don't do things independently enough, maybe.
Lou:Yeah, and maybe, because we're like, we'll make that choice. Wow, I can't find anyone to go hiking with me today. So I just won't go, Well, go yourself.
Nancy:Yesterday,
Unknown:there you go.
Kevin Anderson:I think that's the benefit. Not to allow yourself to be pulled back from doing something that you want to try. Just because you don't have someone else like say you're trying to change habits in your life, you're trying to live a healthier lifestyle, for instance. And you don't know anyone else, because you have this, these social circles and they're, you know, very aligned with the person that you were or the person you are now not the person you want to become, you might not have anybody to do certain things with. So you're gonna have to push through and do those things alone. If you don't have anyone else, or you just don't do them, right. Those are basically the options. But when you start going out and doing stuff, you connect with people who have similar interests and things that you want to start doing or continue doing. I love how we started this episode on like human connection and who's like, let's go to Disney alone.
Lou:You just said something that is exactly one of the values, the benefits of say doing things alone. And it connects very well with what we're talking about the social connections, because that is exactly what happened. Lots of times when I did go places alone, whether it was Disney, whether it was the movies, whatever, I would find myself talking to other people a lot more when it could be even the person who was asking me Do you need help finding something in the in the store, I would end up having more of a conversation because it was nothing no one with me, too. I'm not gonna say prevent me from doing that. But you know, you want someone else you don't want to be talking to someone else. So I would find myself connecting with other people more often. And I was like wow, I met a lot of interesting people that way.
Nancy:You're not really alone actually. You you've gone out into community and you may be independently moving within that space but you do like lucid you do have to talk to people and you do have to think about some components of who's around you and what they're doing even if you're not with them. So it's better than being isolated I guess that is different right? If you're alone by yourself inside then being independently interacting in community outside
Lou:especially the setting you go in those single rider lines with lots of people there who are looking to make conversation because they're they're single writers too.
Kevin Anderson:I feel like doing stuff alone builds a lot of character. Yeah, it creates a lot of strength.
Nancy:When you were talking about that I could remember my my first time going out to dinner by myself and I was traveling for work and I no one else was with me on that trip. I was meeting people that lived there, but no one who was staying in hotels mean anyway. So I had a choice to either go out to dinner or room service. And I was like, you gotta go, you gotta go, you gotta go. And I talked myself into going. It was quite an episode except forgot my glasses. I was newly wearing them at that time. And I didn't realize it until I had to pay the check. And I couldn't read it. But so many people around me were thoughtful and caring and did kind things and noticed and spoke with me and did things for me that it was such an uplifting experience. And if had I chosen to just eat room service and stay in the room, it would have been in my in my comfort zone that we always talk about, right. But I stepped out. And I actually had such a wonderful experience. What motivated you to do that? I just felt like I would regret if I didn't, I was just thinking, you know, you know what, while partly there was a restaurant there that I love. So, food. But I would have regretted if I went home from that trip, and I hadn't made that opportunity for myself,
Lou:you were hungry. You know, that also highlights? Well, one of the, I think the benefits with social connections, it doesn't have to be a literal social connection, going out to eat by yourself or going anywhere by yourself. You know, just being around people makes her a quote unquote, connection. Because again, you're feeling maybe some kind of uplifting energy from those around you. Yeah, that's helping you move through your day. So certainly a connection there. Because I know a lot of people that are introverts, and they, you know, it's not like they argue with but they'll be like, No, I, I can't go out either by myself or just to be around the people that's not in my nature that I'm like, You know what, but it's probably one of those things where maybe you feel embarrassed because you're alone, and other people are judging you like maybe there's other aspects to why you feel you shouldn't do it or can't do it. You know, the whole argument is, well, I'm an introvert, that seems like an excuse not really a reason.
Nancy:People who are introverts, yeah, and they give it a shot. And they realize that even though they really, maybe the majority of their time is spent independently because that is what they enjoy. But they've also realized they need to give a percentage of their time to being with other people, because that brings a mix that they don't have by themselves, like they like that independence, but also realize it's not everything. So I work with a local nonprofit, that their their motto is community is medicine, and really build communities for people who have limitations to get to communities. And it's such a gift of give back in the community. But it's it's really such a wonderful thing. And like you said, it's just about being able to talk with other people. And it's even if these people only get an hour a week, they get something uplifting from it that helps them feel better about themselves. And it impacts our own personal vitality. Like Kevin said, it helped him realize what he believes, who doesn't believe what your values are, you can assess and confirm your own values on interacting with others, reinforces or makes you want to change, it can give joy, it can be a little bit of fun, there's so many things that come from that. So I think community is important. And
Lou:that's why I am a big proponent of community group therapy. And I use that term in a non medical sense, meaning, joining a meetup group, joining a Facebook community joining anything where you're around like minded people. One is a great way to learn more, grow more all that but it's I think that's also a good way in things relating this back to my comment about introverts as for, say, folks who feel introverted to kind of get that first step into more social settings. Well be around other people who are introverts or have similar interest. Because how many of us feel very uncomfortable when we're out people that we really don't have a lot in common with I mean, that's probably is where that discomfort come from comes from. You know, I can't hang out with people who got I don't know where I'm gonna go with this, but I don't know. I'm just gonna say people who are in gun clubs. I'm not anti gun, but I'm just not someone who collects them. And you know, gets off If I'm having a gun or using a gun, maybe I would maybe I should give it a shot but in other words, sure now I would. Yeah, that's a good one put on pump, give it a shot. But for now, I would feel uncomfortable if I was to go to some you know, NRA convention or something.
Kevin Anderson:Well, I think you should go along.
Unknown:Yeah, good point.
Nancy:That was a challenge forever. Wow. Yeah. Dank
Unknown:going on to
Nancy:see that's probably what came up. I mean, I think we hit some key spots today really recognizing that we may enjoy being alone or need some time alone for for our own well being and self care, but that the real life and energy comes from community of some sort, whatever that is. For you.
Lou:Yeah, it balance is key. Maybe for some people 90% Around people in 10% alone is a good mix and others it's the other way. I really need to only be around people 10% of my time. Well, I don't know. But and I agree that with everything in life, moderation, balance is key. So this is no different than that. So yeah, excellent point. Nancy. Great way to kind of cap things off is folks find balance with your own path to having optimal social connections, whatever that may be for you. We gave you some good ideas on that that I hope you will use and we hope you enjoy this episode found it both educational entertaining, and we look forward to you joining us on our next one. Bye for now.